I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
