the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
