I wish you could order shots online.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
