apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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