I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
