So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
