Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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