She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
