so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
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She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
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Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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