i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
