I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
