So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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