I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
