Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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