Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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