he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
