May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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