The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
