hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
