I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
