They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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