life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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