There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
