she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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