Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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