I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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