we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
