so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Randomize
