Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize