i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
