Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
