i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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