She is in my trunk
Say something about gay babies.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
