I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
