HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
