i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
