Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
