Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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