i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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