I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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