ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I can't turn off my feet"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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