My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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