i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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