Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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