The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
