Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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