my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
