I think im going to throw up on grandma
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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