Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
