All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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