Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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