you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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