That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
