Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
