Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
