Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
