stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
