please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
